Individually speaking

Having a value centered life makes decisions so much easier. Not only must we have a clear idea of our own values, we must encourage children to explore their own. Just the other day I was reading about raising children through the use of values as opposed to a punishment/reward system. This presents a shift from the traditions of discipline. Often children are raised and taught through direct instruction and demands; noncompliance is not an option. Schools, homes and often businesses are run on this same model. It seems to chiefly profit the top dog who gets what he wants as the lesser dogs only get some modest reward. 

Truthfully, I am by no means immune to this style. When we are busy, it is seen as a disruption to our schedule or an inconvenience when the kids do not do what they are asked. We resort to bad behaviors like bribery, cajoling and demanding to get our way; and at times, nothing works. In my experience, this was not such a big deal with one or two kids. But as my family got larger, the time needed to devote to each child added up. There simply isn’t enough time for constant redirection and one-on-one wizardry. Interestingly, I have found that the families I know who have 5+ children often have very well managed households. They also carry strong, transparent core values. 

So, would a more values-based parenting style work more effectively? Or can there be a happy medium of expecting behaviors for the good of the group and encouraging being an independent values centered person. I am betting on the latter. All people want to have a purpose, a meaning to life. As Corey and Corey (p. 374, 2010) explain, values help to define who we are, where we are going and why. It is clear when you see a teen with little to no connection to their values. Sometimes it may be a consequence of the desire to be independent from authority; sometimes their family/ community models’ behaviors are not ideal. Whatever the case, these children often experience a pattern of misbehavior, consequence, guilt… When personal values are clearly understood and questioned, the same child may be able to develop a clearer path to integrating their inner true being and their choices. In the traditional model of compliance based discipline, the child is directed to a “truth” My truth is not the same as any one of my children. Who am I to claim to know what is best for them. If I can challenge them to examine whether their choices are aligned with their values, I am teaching much more. This is a skill they can carry for a lifetime. 

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal

             growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.