Stay at home mom vs working mother

            I was very disappointed at the realization that this past week was our groups last group session. We’ve created a great bond between us that goes beyond the classroom and into our personal lives. I’m now looking forward to everyone’s individual projects. It will be neat getting a glimpse of what has helped everyone grow and overcome boundaries within their lives.

            As for our online article, I’ve heard many times that marriage helps your psychological wellbeing. So it was nice getting to read a study about it for a change and seeing what it really says in full. I wasn’t surprised that cohabiting doesn’t have the same beneficial effects that marriage does because I’ve cohabited several times before and I’ve never felt as secure as I’d imagine I’d feel if I were actually married to someone. Perhaps that’s because I’ve then broken up with the other person and left the cohabiting situation that I feel that they aren’t good predictors of security or maybe everyone naturally feels that cohabiting isn’t a reason to feel especially secure.

            As for our chapter in the book, I found it especially interesting because before I had my son I was adamant that I’d never want to be a stay at home mom. However, now that he’s here, I wish that there were a way I could be/have been a stay at home mom. It’s amazing how much your perspective can change from the addition/creation of a child. So while I understood where the text was coming from in terms of some ladies wanting to pursue a career to feel fulfilled, etc. I actually feel quite the opposite. I feel very unfulfilled at work now because I feel like I should be at home enriching my own son’s life and teaching him things. Many of you have heard me talk about my son or seen pictures of him, but in addition to being super handsome, he’s also very smart. Some of you have had the pleasure of seeing the video of him “reading” his brown bear brown bear what do you see? book in our child in the family class. I’ve spent countless hours teaching him all his letters, numbers, colors, shapes, etc. and it’s hard to feel good leaving him with a babysitter that is impressed by how much more your child knows than their own (who was older than my son) and asking how I taught him so much at such a young age…needless to say I didn’t hire that babysitter. Don’t get me wrong I know my son is naturally advanced and there will always be individual differences among people/children, but most children crave learning new things (hence all the questions) so it really shouldn’t be that hard to get them to learn the basics. At any rate, seeing how much other people seem to lack in their ability to take care of their own children, let alone mine, makes it very difficult for me to go to work every day and feel good about myself. However, before I had my son if you’d have tried to tell me that I’d have to be a stay at home mom because it’s what society says I have to do I’d have fought you tooth and nail. But now if I won the lottery (us single mom’s can’t exactly afford to stay home otherwise) I’d be the happiest stay at home mom ever!

References:

Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Becoming the Woman or Man You Want to Be. In Brooks/Cole (9^th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice (226-255). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.

Kim, H.K., & McKenry, P.C. (2002). The relationship between marriage and psychological well-being. Journal of Family Issues, 23(8), 885-911.

Week 8

                It was an interesting occurrence that I had just finished taking the BEM sex role inventory when I began reading this week's chapter on "Becoming the Woman or Man You Want to Be" (Corey & Corey, 2008). At first, I did not feel that what I had scored on the inventory would be reflected in the chapter as it began discussing male and female roles. That was until I began reading the section on "Alternatives to Rigid Gender-Role Expectations" (Corey & Corey, 2008) because my results from the inventory resulted in an androgynous classification.

                I definitely agree with the section on androgyny and my score on the inventory. Throughout childhood, I was always called the tomboy in my family. I loved roller skating, riding my bike, and playing football with my father. As I began to enter middle school, I could definitely tell that I was not like the rest of the girls. I did not seem concerned with the latest fashion trend going on, but I was definitely more interested in joining an environmental club, playing a musical instrument, and playing sports during lunch. I favored being in leadership roles such as student council and choosing shop class as an elective over home economics. I will confess that I do have some feminine qualities in comparison to my masculine qualities. I have always enjoyed helping others. Hence, why I developed the first LGBTQIA graduate group at my old grad school and actually enjoyed being a teaching assistant. As of recent, I have also begun to enjoy getting to know people instead of consistently keeping to myself.

                I am really hoping that one day my fiancé and I can get married anywhere in the US. We have already discussed that once I complete my education and achieve getting a job (hopefully), it will be her turn to pursue whatever she wants. I agree with the points made in the article that my psychological well-being has definitely changed for the better when I met my fiancé (Kim & McKenry, 2002). I can only anticipate that it will increase to get better as we continue to cohabitate together until I finish my education and begin the planning of getting our marriage plans in order (Kim & McKenry, 2002). Personally, my relationship with my fiancé has helped to alleviate my depression due to coming out to my parents. Although my father speaks to me regularly, it is approaching one year since I have talked to my mother.

Corey, G. & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Exploration in personal growth (9th
Edition). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole

Kim, H.K., & McKenry, P.C. (2002). The relationship between marriage and psychological well-being.Journal of Family Issues, 23(8), 885-911. 

Week 8 Gender Roles

            Ahh… Gender roles.  As a sociology major in college, I spent a decent amount of time thinking and talking about what society is telling us about what it means to be masculine or feminine.  Growing up, I do not remember my parents ever influencing or encouraging me to be more feminine.  Actually, my brother was more feminine than most boys and I was somewhat of a tomboy.  I was the adventurous and brave sibling who would travel the woods and climb trees.  My brother would tag along, but occasionally he would follow me up in a tree and be too scared to come down.  I still played with dolls, but so did my brother.  We would play together.  My parents never discouraged my brother from playing with “girly” toys and they never asked me to stop climbing trees.  Even transitioning into adulthood, my parents encouraged me to get a good education and wait to start a family until I was ready.  If anything, my parents encouraged the development of my more masculine traits.

            It was not until recently that I have begun to notice how “ungirly” I am.  Corey and Corey (2008) did not mention that one of the female roles in America is to spend time trying to look like the ideal woman, but I think it is one of the ways women feel a great deal of pressure.  Most of my girl friends in Pennsylvania go tanning, get their nails done, dye their hair and know the perfect techniques for wearing make-up.  I definitely do not spend as much time on my looks as my friends.  I related to Lin in Corey and Corey (2008) in that I sometimes feel self-conscious for not being as feminine and, at other times, I feel empowered for being unique.  For example, if I go to bachelorette party, I always feel the need to get someone else to do my makeup so that I can better fit in.

            I had never heard before that androgyny is one way to transcend gender roles and I was actually quite offended by it.  While I do not think women need to adhere to feminine roles and men need to conform to masculine roles, I think putting pressure on people to be androgynous is equally as unhealthy and quite boring.  Glorifying androgyny is taking value away from the diversity in the feminine/masculine spectrum.  I wish society would evolve to give people the freedom to live out their gender in the way that makes them the happiest. 

            Susanne had read the Kim and McKenry (2002) article before class last week so we briefly discussed it and how it relates to gay marriage during our break.  From a research standpoint, we are not allowing gay couples to be as happy and healthy as they could be by not giving them the option of marriage.  Maybe this research should be part of the debate going on in Washington DC right now.

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal

growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.

Kim, H.K., & McKenry, P.C. (2002). The relationship between marriage and

 psychological well-being. Journal of Family Issues, 23(8), 885-911.

Holly Miller #8

          Maybe I was just lucky. After reading this chapter, I couldn't help but feel so proud of my parents. My siblings and I were never pegged into roles. Both of our parents always allowed us to follow our interests. For example, all three of us girls played with "boy" toys at a young age. We were never told not to. Male and female socialization begins at these tender ages with toy choices. We learn to internalize roles before we are old enough to process what they mean. Thank goodness I had parents who nurtured the individual, not the gender. I remember my parents celebrating us for who we truly were. For example, one of my sisters insisted on having her own language. She wrote an entire dictionary of words that only she understood. I remember her word for hands was "May-May." Instead of scolding her and insisting she use the correct words, my parents went along with it for a few months. (Of course it didn't go well at school, but even the teacher kind of thought it was unique!) She eventually gave it up, but I feel that it helped her form her own identity. She is a very creative and artistic person. My parents nurtured her creativity and helped her express herself.
          I think all three of us grew up with a presence of what Corey and Corey (2010) refers to as gender-role transcendence, or the ability to go beyond the prescribed categories of male and female to achieve a fulfilling identity. I have always believed that all humans possess traits of both male and female and these should be nurtured. For example, I love splitting wood, building a fire, and fixing things around the house. I was encouraged to do these things. But I also love make-up and jewelry, especially eye-shadow. I have a collection to die for. Over 50 fabulous shades. I love being loving and taking care of things. I am also that crazy neighborhood lady that takes in stray cats. And I am most proud of being a person that family and friends turn to in a time of need. Not quite sure where all of that falls in terms of gender socialization. But that's Holly. I am a mixture of many things, and this makes me happy. What a great sadness for a human being to feel they have to prescribe to one style of living or fulfill one gender role. Humans are complex creatures, and I feel that gender roles do little to capture the true essence of what it means to be human.
          Finally, as future counselors,  I think we need to do our best to encourage the individual identities of our students. This can be tricky because many of the children we may work with could come from homes that reinforce gender stereotypes, and some of this could be cultural. That's why it is so important to get to know your students. Just being a positive place for them to turn to is sometimes enough to get them thinking about their future and who they want to become.

Chapter Eight/Effects of Marriage

 

                For this chapter I think looking at the stereotypes I conform and abstain from would be a fun way of going about things.  The first one listed was “emotional unavailability” and I readily acknowledge that I have huge problems with that. I’ve always heard it was because I’m a man but I’ve never actually considered it as so. As for the next two of independence and power/aggressiveness I feel that they don’t apply to me at all. In fact, for most men I think that the whole independence aspect is outdate as I know many men that are reliant on their significant others.  I also feel this way about the next one of denial of fears and protection of inner self as I don’t feel either of those really apply to me.  The lack of bodily awareness is one I completely agree with. Ironically I dealt with it today acknowledging I was sick but saying it didn’t matter because I needed to work. I also think I qualify for the driven to succeed aspect and that was definitely something that was harkened on me externally and ironically from women.  The denial of feminine qualities and rigidity of perceptions however are completely opposite of me. As I told my group I think I possess several feminine qualities and thus don’t believe in the whole rigidity aspect. In fact, I was glad the book mentioned androgyny because I feel that applies to me…

                The whole stereotype aspect of the Corey & Corey(2008) text also really resonated with me. It reminded me of Christmas where my mother-in-law bought me a very practical present as we now have our own place. She got me a complete tool set which I was happy to get. However, everything crossing through my mind was not that she was being practical but that she was trying to tell me something about my role as the male in the relationship.    I also found it interesting how congruent the whole adhering to social roles keep men looking for the perfect job, love, life etc because that’s a huge aspect of emerging adulthood in and of itself.

               

As my wife and I are currently a dual career family that too was good to read as I saw some of the things we were adhering to while also making me feel good that we were “progressive” in a way. At first I did the cooking and the cleaning but now with graduate school she does those aspects. I felt the sentiment about women in these situations having to feel like “Super Woman” was indeed true as I am often telling my wife to slow down.

                As for the Kim & McKenry (2002) article I liked it as I think it kind of just touched on how I naturally feel about marriage being something that generally is going to make you feel better about yourself and life. The article seemed convoluted but that was because they were trying to control for a lot of extraneous factors which was awesome.

Corey, G. & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Exploration in personal growth (9th

                   Edition). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole

Kim, H.K., & McKenry, P.C. (2002). The relationship between marriage and psychological well-being.

Journal of Family Issues, 23(8), 885-911. 

Week 8 - Gender

I wasn't sure what to expect from just reading the title of this chapter, but I think that I was anticipating a lot of overlap from previous readings and discussions. To my surprise, Chapter 8 has been one of the most thought provoking and challenging chapters for me so far. (It may even be my favorite!)

I am the youngest of two girls, so from an early age, my sister typically paired up with my mother and engaged in activities like shopping and sunbathing, while I buddied up with my father and spent a lot of time racing at the arcade or hanging out in the woods. (My favorite birthday gift of all time was probably the hunting gear I got for my 12th birthday!) My sister and I both enjoyed playing competitive sports, but unlike her, I would spend hours watching racing and baseball with my dad, and even going with him and my grandpa to 'father-son' events our church often held. I played on the boys' soccer team through my junior year of high school and though I had plenty of close female friends at all stages of my life, I typically opted to spend my weekends spotting for deer, calling turkeys, or exploring the woods with my male friends and my dog. It was more adventurous and a lot less dramatic than long days with the girls!

As I read through the stereotypical male traits, I found myself relating to many of them: independence, driven to succeed, devotion to work, competitiveness, feeling excessive pressure to succeed, and fear of failure. But then I read through the stereotypical female traits and I possess many of them too: warmth, nurturing, kindness, intuitive, vulnerable, emotional, and relational.

Corey and Corey say on page 242, "Women are beginning to take actions that grow out of their awareness." When I analyze the woman I am and look back over my 20's, I can see the truth of this statement in my career, friendships, and romantic relationships. I have always kind of felt a pull from society to be more or less of certain traits and have thought at different times that I am too masculine or not 'girly' enough. What I've learned (and continue to learn) is that people like and appreciate others (including me) much more when they are genuine and true to who they are instead of trying to be someone they are not. Plus, I'm just better at being me! It is amazing the freedom that self awareness can bring and the joy that comes with letting go of the temptations of society to be true to yourself!

Becoming who you want to be is a journey that all individuals embark on, including patients. As a counselor, I think it is important to help clients recognize their strengths, become aware of their character traits, and identify their interests, while showing them opportunities within our society. Then, simply supporting them as they confidently decide who they are and choose who they want to be.
Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Managing Stress. In Brooks/Cole (9th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice (132-169). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.

Blog 8

As I stated in class this week, my experience comes from the one-sidedness of being a woman. In spite of this, I connected to the beginning of the chapter from observing my brother’s behaviors my entire life. I divulged in a previous class that my father was primarily my parent (even though my mother took care of my brother, Luke, and I for the majority of the week, my dad focused all of his love and attention on me) and he tended to neglect my brother. Growing up, I was coddled, spoiled (which with his meager income meant getting pieces of candy from Weis), and shown affection that my brother never saw. My mom explained to me that my dad did not have love from his own father, so he did what he knew: he perpetuated a poor father-son relationship and cultivated a new, loving father-daughter relationship. This, to me, goes along with Corey and Corey’s (2010) idea of “father hunger” (pg. 238) where a growing male needs to find comfort in masculine-related activities that do not rely on a present father figure. Unfortunately, to my brother these were the destructive, life-threatening activities that were outline in “The Price Men Pay. . .” (pg. 236) section of the chapter. (Side note: my brother has healed into a fully-functioning, loving adult).

                I thought it was interesting in Kim and McKenry’s (2002) article when they claimed that being married correlated negatively with depression, but they only controlled for a few extraneous variables. If their idea that marriage fights depression because it gives people a sense of purpose (pg. 886), why wouldn’t they look at outside variables like job satisfaction or volunteer work? I think that if someone has no sense of purpose in life, depression could be countered by purposeful things including marriage or a trip to Haiti to work with orphans.

                Another interesting posit on the part of Kim and McKenry (2002) was that the better psychological wellbeing of married people is the idea that they come in contact with less stress and feel less stressed about things that don’t go as planned (pg. 888). I have never been married, so I don’t want to make too many assumptions on what it’s like to be married, but I am wondering if this stress-concept occurs because married life is often portrayed in the media (TV shows, movies) so married couple have some sort of idea about what their obstacles will be in life while single people are more able to fly by the seat of their pants and encounter a wider variety of stressors.

Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Managing Stress. In Brooks/Cole (9th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice (132-169). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.

Kim, H.K., & McKenry, P.C. (2002). The relationship between marriage and psychological well-being. Journal of Family Issues, 23(8), 885-911.

Week 7

As I read through this chapter, I found it to be very interesting as well as very helpful.  It kind of created a baseline for a topic that so many people view differently.  I’m sure we’ve all experienced those friends in a relationship who think they are just the ideal couple. You know, the ones who must remind us how happy and in love they are like every 5 minutes.  They “literally never fight.”   Meanwhile, the rest of us are looking at them with that extremely confused look on our face as they begin to drunkenly fight at the bar.  Relationships are complicated, and I think it’s very easy for people to develop warped perceptions.  So I really like how this chapter guided reflection that could be really eye-opening.  It also made me realize how beneficial counseling could be in helping others to reflect on their current and past relationships.

 I think one of my favorite parts of the chapter was the section on the important qualities of a relationship.  One of the qualities Corey & Corey (2008) noted was, “They do not expect the other to do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves.”  Whether we are in a relationship or not, we need to give ourselves value and worth.  We can give our own confirmation of being special or funny or attractive.  So having a significant other should not change that.  One should not feel special just because that other person said so.  Expecting another person to make us feel happy or content seems like an added pressure to the relationship.  This may be irrelevant, but I always say that I do not need a man in order to have nice jewelryJ

The section on addressing conflict was another part that I really seemed to appreciate.  For me it’s another one of those topics where I wonder how I respond in conflict compared to others.  Am I really mean? Scary? Way too nice?  I do not feel like an angry person very often and rarely raise my voice.  However, I have a tendency to use sarcasm or extreme calmness, which then has a tendency to really upset others.  Lately I have been working to monitor my sarcasm, as well as annoyance sounds and facial expressions, to make confrontation a better and less damaging part of my relationships.

This week the article was also very interesting to read.  It may be one of my favorites so far.  An area of consideration that really stood out to me in this study was the evolutionary differences between male and female.  More specifically, the behaviors of men and women to ensure perpetuation of genes.  Males can procreate with multiple women in a short time span, where as a woman is committed to one partner for a longer period of time.  Could this play a role in women having a stronger value of monogamy than men?  I’d be interested to read other articles on this topic.   

Corey, G. , & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.

Schmookler, T. & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood: A gendered perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Blog 7

I think that communication is one of the most important things that a relationship needs to have to be a healthy one.  With that, the communication needs to be open and honest so that the relationship can grow and flourish.  Corey and Corey (2008) describe that many relationship problems comes from misunderstanding and not having enough communication.  I have had problems in my past with my last girlfriend four years ago with communication and is why we broke up.  Now that I have gone through college and learned about how communication is really important I know that I need to share my feelings and what I am think in my relationships. This is important because I know that they cannot read my mind.  Today, I think of myself as having good communication.  An example of this is I was trying to be in a relationship with this one girl that I dated in high school that I really liked and still do.  I started talking and hanging out with her again and I gave her more of what I was thinking and feeling.  She was the girl I had a hard time communicating my feelings to and that is one of the reasons we broke up.  However, now I feel that I have grown and matured so that I can communicate better by listening and expressing my feelings.   I also think that it is important to have good communication in all of the relationships and not just the romantic ones.  Communication is going to be very important in my school counseling career because there is so much that you have to communicate to the whole school.  One needs to have good communication skills in order to help your clients as well.

Going along with the Schmookler and Bursik (2007) article, I think that it is really important to have monogamous relationships.  I have strong Christian values and I believe that you should be with your one significant other.  I can understand that people believe in having more than one partner and that is their choice but I feel that if you are in a committed relationship that you should not cheat on the other person.  There are so many people who are doing that today.  One was my father.  My Dad cheated on my Mom when I was younger and I have no idea why and a part of me does not want to know.  Overall, I think that monogamy is really important to keep if that is what you believe in.  Knowing this knowledge, I will have to keep my beliefs to myself when a student comes to me saying they have multiple dating partners.  I know everyone is different and I can respect that.  I know now that I will have to be actively aware when this situation comes to my desk.

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth. (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole.

Schmookler, T. & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood: A gendered perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24, 819–835. DOI: 10.1177/0265407507084185

Week 7

It is definitely an odd experience to read a chapter that directly relates to my own personal situation. From the relationship that I have with my parents to  the relationship I now have with my fiancé (Aj), I could not help but make connections to ideas and issues brought up in the text.

The relationship that I have with Aj is unlike any that I have had before I met her. Reading over the qualities of a relationship that are important to the authors totally fall in line with what I have finally been able to find in a partner (Corey & Corey, 2008). Aj and I both understand that we have our own identities, and that we appreciate what the other brings to the relationship. She understands when I need time to myself to focus on work for school or my graduate assistantship. We show pride in the accomplishments of one another and always encourage each other to pursue interests and goals that are important to us even if it is an individual interest. Not constantly living a life that is incredibly entwined in becoming a combined entity.

I have to say that one of the patterns that was an ongoing struggle in my life was how I was able to deal with conflict during my childhood into my early 20s with my parents (Corey & Corey, 2008). Whenever a conflict arose with my parents, each of them would isolate themselves and not work towards resolving the conflict. As I look back on my own personal growth, this was something that I also tended to do. Instead of attempting to communicate with an individual during  a conflict, I would isolate myself and sweep the conflict under the rug.

As for the Schmookler and Bursik (2007) article, I found it to have a lot of valuable information, but I was challenged to see how this perspective could possibly be applied to my own personal life. I understand the specificity of using a demographic of heterosexual individuals, but the qualities applied to males and females seemed to be able to apply to any couple. Whether researching the value of monogamy in heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual individuals, do couples share a symbiosis of values that complement one another despite gender roles and sexual orientation? I would be interested to see further researching looking into couples investigating the four characteristics of attitudes towards monogamy (emotional, sexual, relationship-enhancing, and sacrifice) (Schmookler & Bursik, 2007).

Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Managing Stress. In Brooks/Cole (9th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.

Schmookler, T. & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood: A gendered perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Post 7

            As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I have struggled with love and relationships. This struggle was due to the fact that I did not know myself, and I lacked confidence in myself.  Along with this, I did not know my wants and needs as an individual. I was constantly seeking the approval of others in my life because that is what I perceived love as being. Up until college, I was searching for something that I could not find.

Today, I can proudly say that I am in a great meaningful relationship with a person I love. Reading over the qualities of meaningful relationships noted by Corey and Corey on pages 197 – 200, I can honestly say that the relationship I am in has many of these facets. Over the years, our relationship has developed through open communication and respect for one another. Our relationship is long distance. To say that we never have conflicts would be a lie. I feel that both of us are strong individuals who have established our own identity. We are confident in ourselves, which makes us even more confident in our relationship. We recognize when one of us is struggling or upset. We recognize that it is ok to be frustrated. We recognize that the only way to have a meaningful relationship is by being honest about these conflicts. The more we share our feelings with one another, the stronger our relationship has become.

            This chapter had an impact on me not only for the meaningful relationship that I have, but also for the poor relationships that I have in my life. One of these relationships has to do with my older brother who I love dearly. He is 9 years older than me, and I see him more as a father than anything else. Over the years, I feel that our relationship has really taken a turn for the worse. To be honest, I try my best to meet up with him whenever I can. I make sure I call him in advance to let him know when I am in Altoona. I let him know that he can contact me whenever he wants. I feel that he doesn’t understand my situation. I live in York, while the rest of my family and girlfriend live in Altoona. I still have a relationship with our mother, while he has not talked to her in 6 years. I am a teacher, and I take graduate courses, while he did not go to college.

            I have continuously been feeling conflict and anger towards him, but I never seem to do anything about it. I feel that I have made many excuses in order to avoid confronting him about this problem. I do not live in Altoona anymore. He is married, has a child, and is expecting another. I only see him on holidays. He has started a new job. I am scared to tell him how I feel. He may think I am pathetic. All of these thoughts have run through my head at one time or another. The bottom line is that I need to tell him how I am struggling with him (Corey and Corey, 2010). I feel that reading this chapter could not have come at a better time. We will be seeing each other this weekend, and I am looking forward to talking to him about my conflict with him.

Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Your Body and Wellness. In Brooks/Cole (9^th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice (106-131). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.

Schmookler, T. & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood: A gendered perspective. Journal of social and personal relationships, 24(6), pgs. 819-834.

10 Things I Hate About You

This week, I was really impacted by the section of the book summarizing anger and conflict in relationships. I was particularly struck by the authors’ description of the couples who proudly say that “We never had a fight!” I would characterize my last significant relationship in this way and like the individuals described in the book, I was proud of this fact and thought this was a good thing. Now that this relationship has ended, I can reflect on this dynamic and agree that the reason we didn’t fight very often is because we did not have enough passion for our relationship or each other. In fact, during one of the strongest emotional connections I ever had with someone else, we ended up screaming in each other face’s during a heated disagreement. I would never have done this with my last partner-probably because I didn’t care enough to do so. Regarding addressing conflict in relationships, I would have probably characterized myself as an avoider a few years ago, but as I’ve matured, I’ve seen the value in approaching conflicts head on. I’ve also become much more comfortable addressing conflict in my personal life and the workplace-most likely because I’ve been forced into these positions as a manager in the past and also had to address some pretty significant conflicts in my personal life in the past few years. I really liked the guidelines for addressing conflict and confrontation effectively that the authors describe in the chapter and thought that their recommendations to “recognize that conflict can be a healthy sign of individual differences and an integral part of a good relationship,” and to “see confrontation as a caring act, not an attack on the other person” were especially good tenets to remember (Corey, G., and Corey, M., 2012, p. 204). I also appreciated the section dealing with coping with ending a long-term relationship and think these guidelines would have been really helpful for me to review when dealing with my own situation. I think that important guidelines here include “allow[ing] yourself to grieve,” giv[ing] yourself time,” and express[ing] your anger” (p. 221). Too often, I think we feel as if we need to move on quickly and pretend that everything is okay instead of permitting ourselves to actually work through and feel all of the emotions that we should feel after a breakup. If we allow ourselves this time, I think we can become much more emotionally healthy and better partners for others. And because we’ve took responsibility for our role in the relationship’s demise, we can hopefully keep from making similar mistakes in the future! Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2008). I Never Knew I Had a Choice. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole (9th Edition), Cengage Learning.

Blog 7: Separating Love and Sex

                As a person who very adamantly believes in monogamy, I found this article to be extremely interesting.  Growing up in a very conservative town, I never even heard of couples that did not value monogamy.  My first introduction to this idea came when I first started dating my now husband.  One of his friends, Shawn, was engaged, but he and his fiancée called themselves “swingers”.  They explained that there was a difference between love and sex.  They were “in love” with each other, but they still allowed and encouraged one another to have sex with other members of the opposite sex.  I do not agree with this way of thinking. Perhaps it is because I am a woman or maybe it is just my opinion, but I do not think that I can separate the two.

                Further proving my point, a few months before our friend’s planned wedding, Shawn called off the wedding.  It turned out that he had fallen in love with the girl he was swinging with.  He ended up becoming monogamous with this girl and they have now been together for almost 3 years! He has not admitted it, but I think that his actions speak for themselves.  You cannot separate passion and love from sex.  His fiancée has also moved on and moved away from the swinging lifestyle.  She is engaged to be married later this summer and adamantly protests the idea of swinging.

                I found the statistic in Schmookler & Bursik (2007) interesting because it gave a potential reason for infidelity.  It stated that “43% of college students listed relationship dissatisfaction as a potential reason for engaging in infidelity during a dating relationship” (p. 823).  Looking back on Shawn’s relationship with his fiancée, I think that this might explain their decision to become swingers.  They got along amazingly and Shawn’s family absolutely loved Jodi; however they were lacking the passion and sexual connection with one another.  In order to fill this void, they decided to turn to other people to fill these desires.

                Overall, it is important for individuals to be on the same page about their expectations for their relationship.  Both parties need to communicate their wants and needs in order for a relationship to work.  The same idea goes for addressing conflict in relationships.  There are always going to be things that couples do not both agree on, but the key is to fight fairly.  This is something that I have tried to work on in my own relationship.  One of the statements in Chapter 7 is something that I tend to do in arguments and need to work on being better at.  It lists several ways to modify an argument and states that, “In confronting another, try not to make dogmatic statements about the other person” (Corey & Corey, 2008, p. 205).  In trying to prove a point, I often times find myself accusing my husband of “always” doing this or “never” doing that. I need to learn to focus on the problem at hand rather than trying to make the situation bigger than it needs to be and falsely accusing him of always or never doing something. 

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole.

Schmookler, T. & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood: A gendered perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Blog 7

Blog #7 – 3/26/2013

Welcome back fellow “Study of the Individual” students!  I must admit that I enjoyed spring break, and hope everyone else did as well, but I missed class and especially interacting with my group members. J  Chapter 7 in the textbook was a great one for me to read since many of my current significant relationships have been extended ones by this point in my life.  I will be married for 20 years this June, and obviously my father and siblings have been around for an even longer period of time. Lol.  Also, my friendships are quite lengthy.  In all of these various relationships, I have found that many of the same principles apply.  As discussed in the text, I believe it is always important to be able to express oneself honestly, work at the relationship, keep play and having fun together as a constant goal, be equals, and be able to deal with conflict. 

Personally, my husband and I have not had a completely smooth time in our marriage.  We do not tend to have an abundance of conflict in our relationship, but this fall we definitely went through a down turn.  Looking back, and after reading the chapter and much consideration, I believe it had a number of contributing factors.  We are the parents of two teenagers, there were some extraneous family issues to be dealt with, etc.  Long story short, it was probably one of the most uncomfortable times in our relationship.  We discussed counseling, but decided to try to work it out ourselves first.  We did a variety of things, and in the end both began to feel better about “us” and made the decision to stay together and continue to work and not get lost like we seem to have done. 

The other segment in the textbook that hit home for me was the portion that dealt with communicating with one’s parents.  I have struggled with my relationship with my father since my mom passed away 11.5 years ago, and continue to do so to some degree.  At times I still realize that I tend to look for some measure of approval from him, while at the same time cannot seem to take him quite as seriously as I once did.  I know that it made a difference for me when I finally came to grips with the truth that parents are human beings too.  As a counselor, I would strive to encourage students to keep an open mind for others but for themselves as well.  It is important to at least try to understand others’ motives in any situation, even if that means an eventual end to a relationship.  The more we understand, however, the better off we are.

As for the article this week, I found it interesting but not surprising that women tend to value the emotional component while men may be somewhat more concerned if a physical infidelity occurred within a relationship.  Considering the wide variety of definitions of and possibilities for infidelity in a relationship, this topic deserves serious time and consideration.  I certainly agreed (for myself) with the findings that monogamy within a relationship is necessary and enhances it.  I do not happen to view monogamy as a sacrifice, and had not really even thought about it like that until reading the Schmookler and Bursik article.  I understand that it is a common cultural belief that men are less monogamous than women, and more likely to cheat, but I believe that statistic is not applicable to men in general.  Both men and women are human, and therefore subject to mistakes and errors in judgment, sometimes very serious ones.  Relationships can be tricky, and all need to be cultivated and paid attention to so that each party can enjoy and thrive within them. 

Corey,G.,& Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal             growth. (9th ed.). Belmont, California: Brooks/Cole.

Schmookler, T., & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood:           A gendered perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(6),

819-835.