10 Things I Hate About You

This week, I was really impacted by the section of the book summarizing anger and conflict in relationships. I was particularly struck by the authors’ description of the couples who proudly say that “We never had a fight!” I would characterize my last significant relationship in this way and like the individuals described in the book, I was proud of this fact and thought this was a good thing. Now that this relationship has ended, I can reflect on this dynamic and agree that the reason we didn’t fight very often is because we did not have enough passion for our relationship or each other. In fact, during one of the strongest emotional connections I ever had with someone else, we ended up screaming in each other face’s during a heated disagreement. I would never have done this with my last partner-probably because I didn’t care enough to do so. Regarding addressing conflict in relationships, I would have probably characterized myself as an avoider a few years ago, but as I’ve matured, I’ve seen the value in approaching conflicts head on. I’ve also become much more comfortable addressing conflict in my personal life and the workplace-most likely because I’ve been forced into these positions as a manager in the past and also had to address some pretty significant conflicts in my personal life in the past few years. I really liked the guidelines for addressing conflict and confrontation effectively that the authors describe in the chapter and thought that their recommendations to “recognize that conflict can be a healthy sign of individual differences and an integral part of a good relationship,” and to “see confrontation as a caring act, not an attack on the other person” were especially good tenets to remember (Corey, G., and Corey, M., 2012, p. 204). I also appreciated the section dealing with coping with ending a long-term relationship and think these guidelines would have been really helpful for me to review when dealing with my own situation. I think that important guidelines here include “allow[ing] yourself to grieve,” giv[ing] yourself time,” and express[ing] your anger” (p. 221). Too often, I think we feel as if we need to move on quickly and pretend that everything is okay instead of permitting ourselves to actually work through and feel all of the emotions that we should feel after a breakup. If we allow ourselves this time, I think we can become much more emotionally healthy and better partners for others. And because we’ve took responsibility for our role in the relationship’s demise, we can hopefully keep from making similar mistakes in the future! Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2008). I Never Knew I Had a Choice. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole (9th Edition), Cengage Learning.