I have experienced many different kinds of love in the
various romantic relationships I have been a part of. Even on my first night of
class this semester, I reminisced fondly of my first love (Jimmy) and have
since used multiple anecdotes from other relationships in order to relate to my
group members. Because of the number of long-term relationships I’ve been in, I
feel that I have made the error of assuming that I know the many facets of every
kind of love there is and have mastered every one of them. The error in this thought
process comes when I am in a new relationship and I feel superior to the other
person in my relationship knowledge. This feeling of superiority (which is unconscious
for the most part) has obviously been hurtful to partners, but I also feel
negative effects (Yeah, I know, poor me). I often think that I, the all-knowing
girlfriend, have the power to overcome any “limitations, inconsistencies, and
flaws” (Corey & Corey, 2010, pg. 176) as described in the book, but I do
not feel that my partner has the capability to ignore those same three things
in me. These feelings of insecurity I let myself feel impede the progress of
the relationship I have with myself, which was outline in the chapter as being
a crucial part to being in love with another person.
Aside from internal feelings that Corey and Corey (2010)
describe a person feeling who is in love, I can relate to the findings from
Keltner’s (2004) experiment. Often in magazines like People or Cosmopolitan
there are pictorials that demonstrate whether or not a celebrity couple is on
the rocks based on their body language (i.e. Kim and Kanye breaking up? When
sitting courtside at the Knicks game, Kanye was looking in the opposite
direction and not holding her hand!). Regardless of the validity of these fluff
stories, from personal experience I know that I have exhibited body language
that should be a direct cue to the other person that I am not feeling available
in the relationship anymore (i.e. when you kiss me I feel like I’m physically
suffocating and you need to stop so I can see the television). This nonverbal
signs of compassion (or in my case, lack thereof) do indeed seem evolutionary. I
think often times body language is a prelude to the development or destruction
of a relationship, and Corey and Corey (2010) point out that ending a romantic
relationship with a loved one carries with it a great feeling of loss (pg. 178)
so feeling a vibe from someone could attend to the mental preparation of what
will come next.
Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Managing Stress. In
Brooks/Cole (9th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice (132-169). Belmont, CA:
Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.
Keltner, D. (2004, Spring). The compassionate instinct.
Greater Good, 6-9.
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