I highly value the relationships in my life, though I realize I don‘t always show that congruently. My marriage and family relationships are a top priority in my life. As a friend, I do not demand time or attention and often, I take that concept too far. I tend to take advantage of my friendships. I don’t call on my friends often enough; then I expect my friend to feel just as close to me after an intermission as I do them. I have learned this is not the case; not everyone can easily pick up where you left off.
Let’s face it, I am a lazy friend. Relationships require effort, creativity and resourcefulness to stay healthy. I found it much easier to keep friendships strong when I was younger and less committed. As adults we often define ourselves through our levels of societal involvement. This pursuit, unfortunately, makes me feel less connected. I am immersed in groups that see each other regularly, due to my children’s sports teams, school, etc. I volunteer within these groups to reach out and make connections. Still, I have yet to take these relationships out of their original context. My oldest friends have come to expect my laziness. New ones offer excuses that I am busy. In truth, I don’t look for support when I need it because I don’t want to be a nuisance. Some of my resistance is fear based insecurity, some is the lack of personal priority. No matter how it is examined, I am under-valuing these relationships in my life.
My marriage carries the value I place upon it. My husband and I have a strong relationship based on communication, trust, love and similar values. The Corey’s (2010) write about the importance of understanding one another’s goals. My husband is truly supportive of my career goals. I am concerned, however, as he is putting off conceptualizing his own long term goals until I have achieved mine. I know I will continue to look for ways to develop long after grad school. I worry that he will wait himself out of time, but this is how he chooses to convey his support. I may never get him to change this view, but we can continue to strive to understand our perceptual differences and challenge one another to examine the reasons behind our choices.
Schmookler and Bursik’s article (2007) touches on some very provocative notions. I, personally, find it hard to accept that we are purely evolutionary beings, simply reacting agents in a world of involuntary change. I actually feel offended when facing this argument. Both my husband and I feel that a monogamous relationship is best for us. But, why do we choose monogamy? My husband and I joke that it is hard enough to keep a strong relationship with one partner, let alone two! I don’t feel it is a sacrifice; I think I will have to ask my husband his opinion.
Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal
growth (9th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.
Schmookler, T. & Bursik, K. (2007). The value of monogamy in emerging adulthood: A
gendered perspective. Journal of social and personal relationships, 24(6), pgs. 819-834.
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