Death and Loss

I recently came across an outside blog entry related to this week’s readings. It touched me, so I wanted to share: “Sometimes, something happens and everything changes. This Thing, that you didn’t request and weren’t prepared for, divides your life starkly into a Before and After. Whether it’s big and universal (a hurricane) or the most quiet and private kind of loss (a miscarriage, an abortion) or somewhere in between — we all have these. There is not one person reading this who will not (if they haven’t already) feel the fabric of your life dissolve, feel like nothing will ever be right again, that something fundamental has left and no longer exists. The alternative to feeling this way is to not feel anything, at all, ever. If you care about things, about people — and you should; it’s what it means to be human — then in time, you will have to grieve losses. Religion, anxiety, fear, faith, love — none of these things can protect you fully. Tragedies are not mosquitos; fear is not a citronella candle. But remember, as soon as you can feel something beside the tsunami of sadness, that these experiences are what transform us. They make us feel empathy, they take us outside ourselves, they force us to rely on others, they bring the happiness we feel into bright, shining contrast, like looking at stars in the country rather than the city. Something so big and profound, you don’t ever really get over. But you learn to live with the loss. It becomes integrated into your emotional/psychic/spiritual landscape, and slowly erodes enough that it’s not the first thing you see. You are left a larger person than you were before” (Williams Brown, K., 2012). When you experience the loss of someone close to you, it will certainly impact you profoundly, and it is important to allow yourself to feel all of the emotions associated with this huge change. The text discusses the cultural norms in our society which encourage people to move on and get back to living, but highlights that it is important to remember that it is necessary and important to grieve after a loss. I think that it is really important to allow yourself this time and not be hard on yourself if it takes longer than you might expect. My first significant experience with loss was the death of my grandfather after a brief battle with liver cancer. What surprised me about the loss was how much it impacted me and how sad I felt for so long afterwards. Although I knew that he was getting older and couldn’t live forever, I felt cheated that he was taken from us so quickly and in such an ugly way as his body deteriorated. Although he was a deeply religious man, I think he was also surprised by the nature of his disease and impending death, and he did not face it with the grace that he expected and instead grew angry and frustrated. This made it especially difficult for all of us as we also felt his disappointment in himself. For me, personally, I did not allow myself to express the grief that I felt, and instead tried to focus on the time that I had already had with him and that he had lived a long, satisfying life. Because I did not express any of my negative feelings, thoughts of him and his death would hit me strongly in unexpected ways long after the actual event. I really liked the section of the text discussing “being dead” psychologically and socially, as I think it is easy to get caught up in completing the various tasks of life without really paying attention to your surroundings. So often, I have had to remind myself to slow down and just breathe and enjoyed considering the questions that the Coreys posed, such as “What sensations have I felt today?,” “What have I experienced and observed?”, “What sensory surprises have enlivened me?” and “Am I willing to slow down and embrace life by being in tune with my senses?” (p. 366), as they forced me to slow down and enjoy being in the moment-even just for a few seconds. Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth (9th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. Williams Brown, Kelly. (January 2012). Adulting Blog. Retrieved from http://adultingblog.com/.

Individually speaking...

Like many in our culture, death leaves me very troubled. My response has improved through the years, but mine is far from enlightened. I feel that I was impacted as a child through my mother’s contempt of death. My mother’s sister was born with Cystic Fibrosis. At that time, this was a disease which carried a very grim life expectancy. My Aunt lived to be 18 years old, but with many bouts of illness throughout those days. My Grandmother passed the year before I was born, again in my mother’s home. I am told, this experience changed my mother greatly. Her demeanor became more guarded and narrow.  She craved safety.

Growing up, my mother rarely spoke of her sister and mother. I knew from a young age, that these conversations made her uncomfortable. So I didn’t ask my burning questions to get to know the few other female relatives in my life. I was isolated from death in many ways. My first unavoidable experience with death then came when I was a freshman in college. My great uncle, with whom I was very close, passed away. It was on a weekend that I unexpectedly came home to get my family fix. I went to dinner with my Great Aunt and Uncle Saturday night and he passed away Sunday morning. This I have always known to be a great gift, but it was a very difficult time for me none the less. I had only dysfunctional support from my family members and did not use counseling services. Denial was my shelter.

When my own brother passed away, I again went through a very difficult time.  He was so very full of life, and my closest sibling.  I, like my mother, closed myself off in a lot of ways. The world looked different to me. I became guarded and sought safety. The world was OK if everything was predictable and planned, but this view only makes the road bumpier.

These days, I try to live each day to the fullest. I have since faced the deaths of two other very important women in my life. I was with both these women at the times of their deaths, reassuring, listening, and holding their hands. These experiences have changed my life. These women taught me to not fear death, and to spend the time with loved ones, especially if they are unwell. Saundra’s passage in Corey (p. 345, 2010) sums it up. Death and illness are so isolating on both ends. Visiting can add connection, distraction and joy to the long days in a hospital bed or home. Loneliness only further depletes the drive to live.

As Norma’s story (p.341, 2010) illustrates; I too feel death would be terribly unfair at this point in my life. I, naively, do not expect it to be right around the bend. I have so many things I look forward to and expect in my life. Like many people, I sometimes live as though I will be here forever. Despite this, I consciously create my life as I live- day to day. I thrive on the interconnections of all my experiences, fascinations and wonderings. I work to embrace impermanence. For further growth, I think finding forgiveness toward death would bring me great energy and strength. Now, for the courage to do just that…

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal

             growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.

Blog 12: Death

               The other night at dinner my husband and I were each discussing our greatest fears (Typical dinner conversation, right?!).  While reading this chapter, I was reminded of this conversation and I realized that, unlike my husband, both of my fears involved death.  The one fear was being tortured to death by being burnt alive or something of that nature (like I said, GREAT dinner conversation!) and the other fear was if my husband were to die.  I realize that death is inevitable, but for me, at this time in my life, I am not ready for death.  I think at my age, most 25 year olds are not planning out their death, but I’ve realized that death can be completely unexpected and that’s what truly scares me.

                This chapter evoked so many emotions for me and it even sparked a very thought provoking conversation with my husband about each of our deaths.  I appreciated that this chapter not only discussed the thoughts of family members and friends who are grieving, but also the thoughts of those in the process of dying and how they cope with those feelings.  I was forced to think about my own life and if I were diagnosed tomorrow with a terminal illness, what things will I wish that I had done more of? What aspects of my life are taking time away from the things that truly make me happy? How can I be more mindful in my daily routine?  Although death is an upsetting topic to think about, I do think that by allowing ourselves to explore these feelings, we may find ourselves more grateful for the life that we are given the opportunity to live.  Yalom discussed his dealings with death anxiety as he worked with his psychotherapy clients (as cited in Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 341), “the wish to survive and the dread of annihilation are always present.  This is a pervasive fear to live with, yet it can teach us as much about living as dying” (2008).

                Not only did this chapter relate to me in relation to my own death, but also in the way that I have dealt with other family members deaths.  My senior year of high school, my grandmother, whom I called Gigi, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  My Gigi was extremely special to me and she was the person in my family that I probably closest related to.  We were interested in the same things and even with our age differences we loved the same make up, shoes, and purses.  Her death was extremely hard on my family because it required my mom to spend weeks at a time at my Gigi’s house.  Because my Gigi lived almost 2 hours away, we did not get to spend a lot of time with her in those last few months.  I would go visit her with my mom though and I would sit in silence and just stare at her.  Because she was so sick, she was normally not very responsive and so I felt like I no longer knew her.  I was so scared watching her die and although I wanted her to be out of her pain, I did not want to lose her.

                This chapter helped me to realize some of the emotions that I was feeling a few years ago.  Being that my Gigi was the first person that I ever knew to die; her death was extremely hard for me.  I still get upset sometimes and I think that I still will for a long time. I have accepted her death, but I think of her often.

Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Death and Loss. In Brooks/Cole (9th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.

Yalom, I. D. (2008). Staring at the sun:  Overcoming the terror of death. San Francisco:  Jossey-Bass.

Blog 12

It seems like this topic on death has been in my life a lot lately.  Most of you all know this but over the summer before I started the school counseling program, my mother passed away.  It was one of the hardest things to go through in my life.  It was unexpected and makes me question life.  Corey and Corey (2010) describe that people who have died can teach us a lesson on how to live life.  I can easily say that I have learned a lesson.  My mother died when she was 53.  She wasn’t that old and who knows that something like that can happen to me.  I have learned that I need to cherish everyday and what it has to offer.  I now take more time for my friends and my sister because they mean so much to me and I don’t want to lose them.  I know that death is inevitable but when someone dies early before their time, it is hard to completely ignore the life changes that come with death.  I have learned a lot from my mother’s death and I have grown tremendously.

            Another reason why I say that death is in my life lately is because I just finished my group facilitation project on grief for high school students.  I created eight sessions on what grief is and how to work through it.  One of the main things I talk about in my eight sessions is the stages of grief that it also outlined in the Corey and Corey (2010) textbook.  Personally, I think I am finally in the acceptance stage.  I say this because I am not depressed or angry anymore about my mother’s death.  At times I am sad about it but I know that my mother would want me to move on with my life.  Also in my sessions on grief, I provided the group with multiple coping mechanisms when it comes to death.  The items that I told my group on coping with death was similar to what was in the textbook with physical, psychological, social, and spiritual tasks (Corey & Corey, 2010).  I created the group on grief for my project because I know what it was like going through it as well as I know that a lot of schools don’t have a grief group.  This knowledge on grief will help me to use my group facilitation on future high school students.  It is also beneficial that I conduct the group because I can relate to what the students are going through.  It is important to reach students on this topic because they don’t necessary have the knowledge or ability to cope with death well.

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth. (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole.

Week 12

“If we accept that we have only a limited time in which to live, we can make the most of the time we do have by striving to live each day as fully as possible.” (Corey & Corey, 2008).  What a powerful statement.  It left my brain racing in about 30 different directions about all the things I want to do.  I want to float down the canals of Venice, reading a book and holding one of those silly umbrellas.  I want to get married and have children.  I want to go on an African safari and wear one of those hideous khaki suits and throw raw meat at tigers.  I want to travel to Greece.  I want to buy a home.  I want to dance with some sexy, sweaty man from another country in the streets (picture me and Brad Pitt from the scene in Mr. & Mrs. Smith). All in no particular order-- Is that too much to ask for?

Once I stopped daydreaming and continued reading the chapter, I very quickly went from excited and happy to nervous and sad.  I do not fear death.  My faith in God comforts me, and I know dying means joining him and all of my loved ones in Heaven.  Instead, it is how I will die that scares me.  Corey and Corey (2008)  state, “For many people it is not so much death itself they fear as the process of dying.”  I know it is not something I should dwell on, because ultimately, it is completely out of my control.  There are things along the way that are in my control, like telling loved ones how much they mean to me.  Every single time I hang up the phone, or leave a loved one, I always say “I love you.”  Not only that--but I make sure I hear them say it back.  

The last section on suicide was very important for me to read.  I do not understand suicide.  To me, suicide is the most selfish act of all.  As that person leaves behind their sadness or pain, they instead leave everyone who cared about them with just as much pain and sadness.  We hear stories of parents leaving behind their babies, children leaving their parents with a parent’s worst fear, and loved ones wondering what they could have done.  As a counselor, I will be aware of warning signs, and I will take them seriously.  I will not accept suicidal threat “jokes.”  Last year in class, I had a student joke that he wanted to kill himself.  I let him know that those jokes are not acceptable and I will always take those threats seriously.  I reported it to the counselor and called home to notify parents.  He was so upset with me, because he was kidding, but I cannot imagine how I would have felt had I not called home, and he wasn’t joking.

Corey, G. , & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth (9th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.

Post 12

Well, what to say about this week’s chapter except for the fact that it is one of my greatest fears. I fear my own death but I also fear the death of those closest to me. I really had a hard time reading through the chapter this week and found myself taking a few breaks through the reading. The only experience I really have with death is my Grandmother. She was 93 when she passed and it was really hard for me as I had to watch her slowly disintegrate over the time period of a year. When she first started going downhill I would visit her in the nursing home and we would have conversations about her back porch and how that was what she wanted to get back to. Then as she began to realize that she wasn’t going to be well enough to return home, our visits became quieter and she seemed to accept the fact that she was going to pass away in this nursing home. It broke my heart to watch her spirits die but it made it easier to say good bye when the time came, I knew that she was at peace and wasn’t in suffering anymore. I looked at the stages of death found in Corey and Corey (2008) and I tried to relate them to my Grandmother. I feel like for her she pretty much went through four of the five stages. The only stage I never really saw her do was bargain. I mean she was 93 so I feel like she was ready to be with the rest of her brothers and sisters and didn’t really feel like she needed more time here, except to be with my Grandpa. I feel like I personally went through all of the grieving stages when it came to her death though.

As my grandma reached her last stages of life we ended up calling in hospice. I feel like this is when my grieving process really started. Because to me my grandmother had already died, the woman who was lying in the bed was not the fiery and stubborn Scottish woman I knew. I started to let her go then, and I slowly began the process of grieving. I began thinking to the future how she wouldn’t get to see my brother graduate from college or be there for my wedding like she had been for all my other cousins. I found that over the next year holidays were the toughest. Even though my grandma didn’t really say too much she was always there ready to chime in with a quick witted response. It was hard to look over at her chair during Christmas and to see it empty, but as we moved on with life it got easier. I still cry sometimes when I think of some of our memories, but I find myself laughing more than anything when I think about her yelling at my Grandpa. “CHARLES!!!!! You spent how much on new hearing aids!!!”, one of her famous sayings. I know that through my Grandmother’s death I have grown a lot and learned a lot about myself and how to really live life to the fullest.

Another spot that stuck out to me in this week’s chapter was the question about being spontaneous and playful (Corey & Corey, 2008). This is a concept that I really need to work on. I find myself planning my days and life out to the tee. I rarely do something just because I feel like doing it, if I don’t have it planned into my day then it doesn’t happen. My fiancé is always trying to get me to have more fun and be more spontaneous but it is really hard for me to do that, if feel like I should always be working on something productive and not out playing. But all work and no play does not lead to a long and happy life. As we were celebrating my Grandfather’s 99^th birthday this weekend I asked him what is the key to living that long and being that happy, and you know what he said to me? The key to that is by having fun and being happy. Taking time to enjoy the small things in life and don’t let the little things get you down.

So, with that advice I hope to help my future clients learn that life is too short to worry about all the stressors and that they need to be spontaneous and playful, not only in youth but also in adulthood as well. I think it will also be key for me to address with my clients that they should grieve in their own way after a loss. I will work with them to let them know how important the mourning process really is and that everyone moves on in their own time. That there is no set timeframe for moving on after a loss. I think our world puts too much emphasis on people getting back to normal after a death, everyone has their own grieving process and they should be allowed to grieve at their own speed.

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2008). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal

growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole.