Death and loss and me

This week we had some very moving presentations in class. I really enjoyed Elizabeth’s performance and hearing how she grew through performing and was surprised to hear of some of the other activities that she’s done knowing how painfully shy she says she is. It was really remarkable getting to hear about her growth and ability to break out of her shell.

            I simply cannot say enough about Bizz. I’ve been working with her as my partner in our Child in the Family class, so I’ve learned quite a bit about her and Busi from our collaborations there. It has been so inspirational and moving learning so much from her. We are both 30 years old and we both were lead to the School Counseling program here at Millersville but we took entirely different paths to get here. I can honestly say I’m proud that I’ve had the opportunity to get to know her so well in the past several weeks and even more so that we were paired together for our projects in our other class so that I’ve gotten to know her even better than I otherwise would have.

            Finally, Christine’s presentation on leisure really struck a chord with me. We were discussing how difficult it is for me to balance all the things I want presently in my life. Working full time, being a single mother, and taking graduate courses is more than enough to fill anyone’s plate. Yet I want so much more. I want to create new friendships so that I have a solid support system (and I’ve started to do that with some of the people in my 2 classes) and I’d like to start getting back into the gym to get back into shape so that I can feel my best. However, with the amount of time that I already have to dedicate to other places other than my son I feel guilty wanting to go to the gym and spend even less time with him. However, I know in the long run feeling better about myself will lead to me being a better mother. I still doubt I’ll start working out for another couple weeks until classes start so that I’m not taking more time away from him.

            This week’s theme was all too familiar to me. As you all know from my class disclosure, my father passed away when I was just 14 months old. Many people say that I was too young to remember or to be affected by this, which just isn’t true. My only secure bond was with my father and as I’ve been told by my mother I stopped walking and talking when he passed away and totally regressed. I had a very insecure attachment with her and clung to her for dear life after he passed away to avoid any further loss. It wasn’t until I started Montessori school at age 3 that things began to improve for me and while I was there I came out of my shell. Because of my young age when my father passed I often created fantasies while I was growing up that he wasn’t really dead and that he had just left my mother but would return for me one day. The finality and reality of death was very difficult to handle. Then each time I reached a major accomplishment in my life (i.e. high school graduation, college graduation, and the birth of my son) I mourned his absence from my life in different ways. It was very comforting to read in Corey and Corey that everyone mourns in different ways and that there is no set timeline for mourning it may take one year or it may take a lifetime (363). Because for me at each significant increment I revisit those feelings of loss. One major thing that I know will be rough for me is if/when I ever get married, not having my father to walk me down the aisle or do the father—daughter dance those are very saddening prospects that overshadow what should be a happy time in my life. But with all the other things I’ve experienced his absence in that too will be something I’ll take in stride and find a way to embrace and make uniquely different to honor him and fill my void all in one.

References:

Corey, G. & Corey, M. S. (2010). Death and Loss. In Brooks/Cole (9^th edition), I Never Knew I Had a Choice (338-370). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.