Death and Loss

I recently came across an outside blog entry related to this week’s readings. It touched me, so I wanted to share: “Sometimes, something happens and everything changes. This Thing, that you didn’t request and weren’t prepared for, divides your life starkly into a Before and After. Whether it’s big and universal (a hurricane) or the most quiet and private kind of loss (a miscarriage, an abortion) or somewhere in between — we all have these. There is not one person reading this who will not (if they haven’t already) feel the fabric of your life dissolve, feel like nothing will ever be right again, that something fundamental has left and no longer exists. The alternative to feeling this way is to not feel anything, at all, ever. If you care about things, about people — and you should; it’s what it means to be human — then in time, you will have to grieve losses. Religion, anxiety, fear, faith, love — none of these things can protect you fully. Tragedies are not mosquitos; fear is not a citronella candle. But remember, as soon as you can feel something beside the tsunami of sadness, that these experiences are what transform us. They make us feel empathy, they take us outside ourselves, they force us to rely on others, they bring the happiness we feel into bright, shining contrast, like looking at stars in the country rather than the city. Something so big and profound, you don’t ever really get over. But you learn to live with the loss. It becomes integrated into your emotional/psychic/spiritual landscape, and slowly erodes enough that it’s not the first thing you see. You are left a larger person than you were before” (Williams Brown, K., 2012). When you experience the loss of someone close to you, it will certainly impact you profoundly, and it is important to allow yourself to feel all of the emotions associated with this huge change. The text discusses the cultural norms in our society which encourage people to move on and get back to living, but highlights that it is important to remember that it is necessary and important to grieve after a loss. I think that it is really important to allow yourself this time and not be hard on yourself if it takes longer than you might expect. My first significant experience with loss was the death of my grandfather after a brief battle with liver cancer. What surprised me about the loss was how much it impacted me and how sad I felt for so long afterwards. Although I knew that he was getting older and couldn’t live forever, I felt cheated that he was taken from us so quickly and in such an ugly way as his body deteriorated. Although he was a deeply religious man, I think he was also surprised by the nature of his disease and impending death, and he did not face it with the grace that he expected and instead grew angry and frustrated. This made it especially difficult for all of us as we also felt his disappointment in himself. For me, personally, I did not allow myself to express the grief that I felt, and instead tried to focus on the time that I had already had with him and that he had lived a long, satisfying life. Because I did not express any of my negative feelings, thoughts of him and his death would hit me strongly in unexpected ways long after the actual event. I really liked the section of the text discussing “being dead” psychologically and socially, as I think it is easy to get caught up in completing the various tasks of life without really paying attention to your surroundings. So often, I have had to remind myself to slow down and just breathe and enjoyed considering the questions that the Coreys posed, such as “What sensations have I felt today?,” “What have I experienced and observed?”, “What sensory surprises have enlivened me?” and “Am I willing to slow down and embrace life by being in tune with my senses?” (p. 366), as they forced me to slow down and enjoy being in the moment-even just for a few seconds. Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth (9th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. Williams Brown, Kelly. (January 2012). Adulting Blog. Retrieved from http://adultingblog.com/.