Week 12 - Death and Loss

     As with many weeks, death and loss seems to be something I have been learning a lot about lately. The opportunity to revisit many of my memories with Busi last week, finally accept the end of this adoption journey as I've know it, and share some of that story with the class, was a huge step in my healing process. As I prepared for my presentation last week, I began to initiate conversations about Busi with my coworkers, students, and family members again, which was refreshing and needed, after several years of simply responding to their questions for fear of feeling too much pain. It has been very difficult to grieve the loss of her, knowing that she is still alive and may or may not become my daughter at anytime. With the return to her biological family, it has given me a freedom to truly mourn the loss that I have experienced and heal from the many years of wondering, hoping, and waiting for her.

     So much of my grief work with Busi, as well as my grief work with the many deaths that I experienced in Africa and the losses I have had throughout my years, has begun since meeting my boyfriend, who happens to be a grief counselor. Despite losing his mother, sister, and father, he is one of the healthiest people I know, emotionally and intellectually. He recognizes the gift in each of his family member's lives and takes time daily to pay attention to his need to mourn and celebrate them. He is so good at resisting the urge to give into our culture's unhealthy ways of dealing with death and loss, and instead uses music and photography to express and experience the emotions he feels. It has definitely been an inspiration to me to see how he has accepted these painful losses and used what he has learned to help others grieve as well.

     His wisdom and example have also helped me grieve my grandfather. My Paw is currently still living, but is suffering from Alzheimer's, which has stripped him of his memory. He is not the same person that I've always known and he seems to be less and less himself with each visit. Again, our society makes it difficult to feel the freedom to mourn this loss, especially when he is still living. Continuing to spend time with him, reminiscing about the past with him and other family members, and enjoying the time we still have together, while being honest about my feelings, has been helpful in accepting and adjusting to this loss.

     As counselors, it is essential that we are healthy grievers, so that we can model and assist our clients with their grief work. There is not a single soul on earth who can escape the pain of loss, so it is important that we are able to walk with our clients and help them 'embrace the journey' (p. 363) of their losses.

Corey,G.,& Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth. (9th ed.). Belmont, California: Brooks/Cole.