Individually speaking...

Like many in our culture, death leaves me very troubled. My response has improved through the years, but mine is far from enlightened. I feel that I was impacted as a child through my mother’s contempt of death. My mother’s sister was born with Cystic Fibrosis. At that time, this was a disease which carried a very grim life expectancy. My Aunt lived to be 18 years old, but with many bouts of illness throughout those days. My Grandmother passed the year before I was born, again in my mother’s home. I am told, this experience changed my mother greatly. Her demeanor became more guarded and narrow.  She craved safety.

Growing up, my mother rarely spoke of her sister and mother. I knew from a young age, that these conversations made her uncomfortable. So I didn’t ask my burning questions to get to know the few other female relatives in my life. I was isolated from death in many ways. My first unavoidable experience with death then came when I was a freshman in college. My great uncle, with whom I was very close, passed away. It was on a weekend that I unexpectedly came home to get my family fix. I went to dinner with my Great Aunt and Uncle Saturday night and he passed away Sunday morning. This I have always known to be a great gift, but it was a very difficult time for me none the less. I had only dysfunctional support from my family members and did not use counseling services. Denial was my shelter.

When my own brother passed away, I again went through a very difficult time.  He was so very full of life, and my closest sibling.  I, like my mother, closed myself off in a lot of ways. The world looked different to me. I became guarded and sought safety. The world was OK if everything was predictable and planned, but this view only makes the road bumpier.

These days, I try to live each day to the fullest. I have since faced the deaths of two other very important women in my life. I was with both these women at the times of their deaths, reassuring, listening, and holding their hands. These experiences have changed my life. These women taught me to not fear death, and to spend the time with loved ones, especially if they are unwell. Saundra’s passage in Corey (p. 345, 2010) sums it up. Death and illness are so isolating on both ends. Visiting can add connection, distraction and joy to the long days in a hospital bed or home. Loneliness only further depletes the drive to live.

As Norma’s story (p.341, 2010) illustrates; I too feel death would be terribly unfair at this point in my life. I, naively, do not expect it to be right around the bend. I have so many things I look forward to and expect in my life. Like many people, I sometimes live as though I will be here forever. Despite this, I consciously create my life as I live- day to day. I thrive on the interconnections of all my experiences, fascinations and wonderings. I work to embrace impermanence. For further growth, I think finding forgiveness toward death would bring me great energy and strength. Now, for the courage to do just that…

Corey, G., & Corey, M.S. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal

             growth (9^th ed.). Belmont, California: Thompson Brooks/Cole. ISBN: 9780495602293.